Esquire US ran a list of “Things a Man Should Not Know” in their November 2002 issue. The list served as a strict and imposing doorman, a Patrick Swayze keeping the undesirables out of the Double Deuce that is the sophisticated man’s mind. We gave a thumbs-down to knowing both “the date on which the Olsen twins become legal” and “what happens to the little cows before they become the delicious veal on his plate.” We 86ed information out of male panic (“how to cross-stitch”), out of practicality (“his best friend’s salary”), and out of equal parts of both (“a single lyric from any song by O-Town”). We stand by this list.
One thing a man for sure did not know in November 2002 was how much information his brain would soon be deluged with. That Nokia phone in his pocket would become an iPhone that was never not in his hand. He would have a world of information at his fingertips, and a critical fact he would learn too late was that it absolutely blows to have a world of information at your fingertips. He would get every piece of news as it happened, and moments later he would get every idiot’s opinion on that news as it formed. Our brain bouncers need to be Jake Gyllenhaal jacked if we’re going to keep our temples tidy.
For the Too Much Information Age, here is the 2024 edition of “Things a Man Should NOT Know.” Enjoy it over a nice cross-stitch.
How many likes he gets on anything, ever.
Where to buy an Appeal to Heaven flag.
How to make a Long Island iced tea.
His parents’ Disney+ password.
The feel of an airplane-lavatory floor on his bare feet.
How it feels to complete an episode of the Joe Rogan podcast.
What he sounds like when he calls the Replacements “the ’Mats.”
How often the taps are cleaned.
Which Harry Potter house he would have been sorted into.
His sleep score.
The healthiest item on the Cheesecake Factory menu.
The precise number of ways American culture has already surpassed Idiocracy, a movie set 500 years in the future, 18 years after its release.
Whether his parents have a favorite child.
Whatever it is that awaits him behind that link at the bottom of the post he just read, the one whose headline is “50 Celebrities Who Sadly Have Died: #8 Is So Tragic” and there’s a photo of Julia Stiles, who has not died.
The higher levels of how much he can relate to any character played by Paul Giamatti.
The way the world looks from the driver’s seat of a Cybertruck.
The actual number of times he’s been swiped left on.
What exactly Katy Perry was trying to accomplish with that last album.
How little the world would notice if he subscribed like 70 per cent less to grind culture.
The specific date, time, and manner of his death.
How to make jungle juice.
How to make anything with Chambord.
The best cocktail on the TGI Fridays menu.
Any good zingy nicknames for Donald Trump.
Which one is the Lumineers and which one is Kaleo.
What Roseanne Barr has to say about anything.
What Josh Gad has to say about anything.
What any human being has to say about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce.
Whether there’s a friend group chat that specifically excludes him.
Whether My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy holds up.
What Jordan Peterson eats for breakfast.
His partner’s browsing history.
How to access the dark web.
Any of the words to “Girls” by the Dare.
An influencer.
More than two lines from the movie Step Brothers.
Any human being who says they didn’t have that on their bingo card.
Any human being who says, “I love that for you,” whether sincerely or sarcastically.
His teenage son’s friend’s girlfriend’s opinion on the Middle East.
How many eggs JD Vance’s sons eat for breakfast.
Which episode of the Hawk Tuah girl’s podcast, Talk Tuah, is the one to start with.
Ryan Seacrest’s net worth.
Dave Portnoy’s latest college-football wager.
The price of an AR-15.
The taste of Happy Dad seltzer.
The name of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s dog.
Anything Joseph Gordon-Levitt said during the White Dudes for Harris Zoom call.
What @diana_perezz390 commented on Kourtney Kardashian’s latest Instagram post.
Where to buy “pink cocaine.”
How much worse it’s all going to be 22 years from now.
