Multiple exclamation marks, once wrote Terry Pratchett in his Discworld series of books, are a sure sign of a diseased mind.
So too the use of extraneous Xs, Ks in place of Cs and Zs in place of Ss.
So, with that in mind we come to Koko Krunch Maxx, guilty of four of the biggest language sins out there.
Why Nestle elected to use a C in the middle of “Krunch” instead of a K to this day remains a mystery that continues to baffle scientists, however.
So, this Koko Krunch Maxx stuff, then. As you might have guessed from its name, Koko Krunch Maxx is Koko Krunch taken to its logical extreme. It’s the cereal equivalent of triple chocolate ice cream, of a chocolate lava cake with even more chocolate sauce on top washed down with a hot chocolate and stirred with a stick of frozen 90 percent dark chocolate.
Wait, that actually sounds pretty tasty.
Anyway, so while Koko Krunch Maxx is nominally Koko Krunch and it even has the same branding and cheery koala mascot, it doesn’t even remotely resemble its forebear.
While regular Koko Krunch vaguely resembles little irregular hemispheres like the severed ears of said cheery koala mascot, Koko Krunch Maxx is wildly different, like crunchy chocolate pillows filled with chocolate.
Sort of like Chex.
while Koko Krunch Maxx is nominally Koko Krunch and it even has the same branding and cheery koala mascot, it doesn’t even remotely resemble its forebear.
But chocolate… and stuffed with chocolate, if that makes sense.
I’m guessing you can sense a theme emerging here, but this is Koko Krunch MAXXXXXXXXX (added Xs for dramatic effect), and when Nestle says it’s going to be cranking up Koko Krunch to the MAXXXXXXXXX, it’s going to do it.
It’ll even turn your regular milk into chocolate milk eventually, just like regular Koko Krunch. But letting it get to that stage will mean it’ll have devolved into formless brown mush, like Koko Krunch primordial soup.
It’s Koko, but sans Krunch.
Actually, I’ve had a bit of a thought: what if I used chocolate milk, or spiked your regular milk with chocolate sauce while eating Koko Krunch Maxx.
Would that not make this Koko Krunch MAXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX?
The mind truly boggles at the possibilities, but first, a brief interlude from Jeff Goldblum.
Thanks, Jeff. Where would we be without your wisdom? Dinosaurs running rampant all over the planet (again), most probably.
But before we tuck into a bowl of Koko Krunch Maxx like the good man-child that I am, a word of warning. Every 100 grams of this is worth 450 calories, compared to regular Koko Krunch which contains 370 calories.
That’s a fair old lick of calories, which was why I was fully expecting Koko Krunch Maxx to taste like sugar bombs of mass destruction.
I was wrong.
Sometimes, just sometimes, I don’t get it right.
It doesn’t happen often, but it does. Get over it.
I was right, however, about the texture. It’s what would happen if Koko Krunch and Chex had a baby. That’s not too bad in and of itself, but what’s really disappointing about Koko Krunch Maxx is the chocolate centre.
I was fully expecting Koko Krunch Maxx to taste like sugar bombs of mass destruction.
It’s neither creme, nor is it a solid chunk of chocolate. It’s tough to ascertain what it is exactly without the help of a scanning electron microscope or a mass spectrometer, but if I had to guess it’d be fossilised chocolate.
Well, not really, but I’m guessing if you buried it in the ground today and future generations were to dig it up in a few million years, it’d probably not have changed all that much. I never thought it was possible before, but the chocolate in the middle of Koko Krunch Maxx exists in a sort of middle state of chocolate between a solid and a liquid.
I never knew chocolate could exist as a sort of non-newtonian fluid, but hey, up until very recently I never knew that whales are related to cows (no, seriously).
Yes, I get how chocolate is a highly volatile substance and keeping it stable on a shelf and while transporting it is paramount, but man, simply turning Koko Krunch into chocolate pillows doesn’t deserve to be called Maxx.
If anything, it should be just Koko Krunch Max.
Just with the one X, thank you very much.
10-word review: Koko Krunch Maxx doesn’t take Koko Krunch to the max.
Best paired with: Jeff Goldblum memes, because like Guile’s Theme, it goes with everything.