If humour, like gender according to the politically correct in 2018, exists on a spectrum, then Twitter is the best place to discover your orientation. In 140 characters or less, you effectively get the most of obscure yet darkly hilarious rants. We could all use a laugh this midweek, and more importantly, the discreet comfort that comes with knowing that we’re not the only weird one out there.
interviewer: what is your biggest weakness
me: i don’t understand the concept of time
interviewer: ok.. well when can you start
me: i don’t know
— cory (@_coryrichardson) March 20, 2018
One day you wake up and everything has been replaced with an exact duplicate. It looks right but feels wrong. You can’t shake it. An uneasy man walks by you and whispers “maybe you’re the only one who changed”. But that can’t be right. You’re the center of the universe
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) August 19, 2018
Just got asked to autograph a breast. My wife was nearby, so I told him “no.”
— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) August 20, 2018
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) August 1, 2018
john lennon: 🎵imagine all the people🎵
introvert: oh god
— The Hyperspace (@TheHyyyype) August 23, 2018
People don’t have a strong intuitive sense of how much bigger 1 billion is than 1 million. 1 million seconds is about 11 days. 1 billion seconds is about 31.5 years.
— Paul Franz (@Paul_Franz) August 3, 2018
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) August 16, 2018
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
— KruseKontrol (@RCKruseKontrol) August 18, 2018
Genie: You have two wishes left
Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P instead
Penie: And your final wish?
Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S instead
— wilson (@MediumWilly) August 7, 2018
DOCTOR: We’re gonna have to amputate above the knee.
ME: But I can’t survive if I’m just a Leg.
— Consider John Frazzled (@FrazzleMyGimp) June 30, 2018
They warned me not to hide that engagement ring in her burrito. But on the bright side, the retrieval process should be swift.
— Bob Lesh (@Bob_Lesh) August 25, 2018
I love the word calender I got for Xmas. I always try to use whatever word comes up on it when speaking to someone that day, for instance today’s word is “Wednesday”
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) May 17, 2018
me: so i said what are you gonna do, kick my ass?
nurse: then what happened
— Shen the Bird (@Shen_the_Bird) August 29, 2018
*She gazes lovingly into my eyes*
HER: What are you thinking about?
ME: [remembering my contractual obligations] How Lexus continues to redefine luxury year after year.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) August 21, 2018
Batman: It’s Batman
Clerk: And your first name?
Batman: That’s it
Clerk: Sir, I need both or you can’t withdraw any funds
Batman: This is ridiculous, I’m the richest man in
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) May 17, 2018
My friends say I’m like some kind of soviet spymaster.
According to the transcripts of their phone calls.
— Ben (@0point5twins) August 28, 2018
A good way to respond to someone telling you they ran a marathon is to ask if they won
— erin chack (@ErinChack) April 8, 2018
Depression feels like what fluorescent lights sound like.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) February 12, 2018
therapist: good, good. now say it with confidence.
me: NO DESSERT JUST THE CHECK PLEASE THANKS
— chuuch (@ch000ch) April 4, 2018
mechanic: so what seems to be the problem
me: well i dont know. i guess it all started when my parents got divorced
mechanic: i meant with the car
me: oh. well it makes this loud “beep” noise whenever i slam my head into the steering wheel
— goth turtle (@dubstep4dads) January 17, 2018